You join me live at 1138 GMT in seat 15D. Somewhere over the south coast of the UK.

Well - after two years of being Blighty-bound thanks to the germ - I am finally getting away. Back to Tenerife. Costa Adeje (or the nicer part of Playa de las Americas!!) That’s not say I didn’t enjoy my 3 night summer holiday in 2021 in Stoke on Trent (!) or my 3 nights in Stratford upon Avon in 2020 as we ate out to help out. Shortly before we were all locked down. Again.

Two years ago I left the UK travelling to Tenerife still in the EU, and when we landed back again one week later we’d left. How things have changed since then.

I will now be arriving, and not be allowed through the blue EU channel. I wonder if they’ll stamp my passport? Well I have enough of them on this trip. Actual passport and a variety of Covid passports and Spanish passenger locator forms. All of them stored safely on my phone. I say safely. If i mislay or break my phone I am in a slight fix. I wonder if there’s a British Consulate in Tenerife? Well - best keep phone safe.

Bristol airport (which got planning permission to expand by 2m passengers yesterday) hasn’t changed much. The shop selection is still shite unless you’re after cheap Rive Gauche. I wanted a new notebook for my musings - but WHSmith is now essentially a Kit Kat vending machine. And the book shop just sells….well, books. Hence electronic ipad musings instead.

I was momentarily thrilled to see a USB power port at my seat. Quelle surprise - it’s not working.

Oh, and two of my favourite take off moments have changed on this TUI flight. I am devastated (exaggerate, me? Surely not).

No longer are ‘doors to automatic and cross check’ - it’s ‘arm the slides’. No cross-checking whatsoever! And the most disappointing; in the event of an emergency, we no longer Brace, Brace. It’s ‘heads down, heads down’. I think this is the type of scenario that is referred to when people say things are being dumbed down. I won’t go as far as to say my holiday is ruined - but I hope, dear reader, you sense my discombobulation in this unexpected protocol change.

Well. As it’s me ‘olidays I spent seven and a half thousand pounds without flinching on a Starbucks coffee at the airport and a number of beauty products from Duty Free. I may have to wear my ‘face covering at all times over the nose, mouth and chin’ on the plane - but under it, my skin is radiant! LOL. Oh - I also appear to have inadvertently ordered a cheese and ham toastie (making a total of eight grand before I step foot on Spanish soil) for my in-flight snack.

I also treated myself to an exit row seat off of ‘extra room’ (well as far as you CAN treat yourself on TUI - not so much no turn left, as stepping over everyone’s walking sticks smiling pleasantly at people rifling through the overhead lockers with their 98kg hand luggage as you are waiting to get to your seat). I took aisle obviously. Middle and window are currently occupied by an elderly couple who have impaired hearing couldn’t hear the cabin crew when we were briefed about opening the emergency exit door. And then huffed and puffed when told to put their bags in the overhead locker. They’re both reading the Telegraph and Daily Mail - so I have little sympathy. Air France wouldn’t put up with their shit. They’d be on row 24 before you could say ‘put your seat backs in the upright position and stow your tray table’.

I am looking forward to some actual sunshine on holiday. I have my usual factors 30 and 50 (the latter for forehead, nose and giant ears) - but as I am practically transparent at the moment - I fear that I will literally turn in to a crisp if I am outside for more than 30 mins. On the plus side most of my holiday garments tone well with a fuchsia skin tone.

I am also hoping that some of my Tenerife faves haven’t succumbed to closure what with Covid and whatnot. My particular new (from two years ago) favourite being the tapas place near our accommodation. You get a million tiny tapas for a few euros. Plus the waitress makes a mean Barraquito (liquor coffee). Ooh. That reminds me to pick up some more liquor 43 in duty free on the way home. We are also contractually obliged to try a new restaurant whilst we are away. Apparently Big Narstie has recently opened a Jamaican restaurant near us…. Tho I don’t think I am cool enough to go there.

I land 3 hours before Darren. So I have the dilemma of waiting for him at the airport, or making a break for the apartmentados in a cab. I think I’ll probably wait, off of cab thrift - but if its boiling and I’m in my winter coat and long sleeved shirt with no nice airport facilities I will head to apartment and at least enjoy a cool drink at the hotel bar whilst waiting for him to check us in.

Ooh. I can now see the trolly heading my way ‘credit or debit cards only, we cant take cash’ - and I think I deserve a Coca Cola. Well - I am on me ‘olidays. Catch you in a bit…Once I’ve had my toastie and watched some Hawkeye if I’ve managed to download it properly. I really should have checked before I left.

1631 GMT

Well. The eagle has landed. Off the plane without incident. Man next to me clipped his head on an open overhead storage locker. Phtttt, Amateur.

Through the biometrics eBorder. Passport stamped, and with a quick scan of my passenger locator QR code (immediate email received) it was off to conveyor A for my luggage which appeared quickly and without a hitch! So I have pants. YAY!

Have decided to hang out at airport until Darren arrives. Managed to find an actual normal WHSmith (tho I imagine its pronounced differently here) for a drink n snack. I’ve already developed sausage fingers, so I need the fluids! Still no notebook tho….

Please look after the UK for me whilst I am away. On second thoughts - just don’t let it get any worse! More tomorrow. Salud!