Well hello to you dear reader. You join me once again in seat 15D some 1611km from Bristol at 10,972m altitude (well it was when I was typing this) as I head back home after my holiday.

Did you enjoy the video? Well, that’s nice. If you’ve not had chance yet, it’ll undoubtedly be embedded somewhere in this blog. Don’t miss out. I am sure M Night Shayalam is shitting it.

Well - I thought I’d do this tiny offering to give a bit more context to the video, and a deep dive as it were in to t’oliday. And more importantly the food that was consumed. Don’t worry there wont be any more topless and/or shoulder shots of me a la Tracy Brabin.

The journey out, from what I can recall, was fuss free. Then obviously O2 were up to their shenanigans. No data. So when arriving at hotel cue a lively Twitter exchange - and by lively I mean my blood pressure was through the roof - if they’d told me to switch my handset off and on again I would literally thrown it off the balcony! Apparently my settings were wrong on their side. Hmm. Buffoons. I am planning to pen to paper (well inkjet to paper) when I am home. I’ve had literally nowt but bother with them for weeks. The words ‘straw’ and ‘camels back’ spring to mind. But thankfully for you dear reader, data was restored after 24 hours.

So - we had no real plans in Tenerife other than to have a bit of a relax. See some of the old sights and try some new things. We have a pact now on holiday to always do at least one thing we’ve not done before on holiday every day - a different restaurant, a different activity, and in my case a daring black shoe with a navy trouser.

Well - not the best start. As it was Pizza Friday we went back to a place called Embassy. Italian. V nice. For...err...pizza. Well, we enjoyed it when we went last year - what could possibly have changed in the intervening 51 weeks since we were last there?

Day one proper. breakfast one. Harleys. Off of American Diner, which is very fortuitously attached to our accommodation (Flamingo Beach Mate) - was first visited about 25 years ago (and they still have the same cocktail menu - off of Fat Boy cocktail - my fave, but I am sure they’re smaller than I remember).

Rather than bore you all senseless with a meal by meal account of where we went I shall do you a tiny summary with pics where appropriate. Think of it as a rather painfully amateurish TripAdvisor - what’s not to like...

Smart Bakery

Allegedly the best coffee in Tenerife. And I must say it was a relief to get a coffee in something bigger than a thimble - which we seemed to get everywhere else! Good value for monies. Tends to bit a bit busy - but we were lucky each time we visited (which we did for breakfast). Nice spot of scrambled eggs.

Embassy

No - not the snooker championship. The Italian. It was a bit full when we went, so were sat in the downstairs bit. Food was lush (pizza and garlic bread) but you feel a bit kinda cut off from the hubbub.

Gran Maison

French. And one of the MANY places in Tenerife serving Chateaubriand. Who has that? Well we had lovely steaks there. Tables quite close together. I was back to back with a woman who clearly had no sense of smell. I was almost gagging on her liberal spraying of Rive Gauche.

The Thirsty Turtle

Lil breakfast place. Friendly staff. Aforementioned thimbles of coffee. Nice food, and reasonable value. Another popular gaff - thank goodness we always managed to get a table under the ‘sails for ceiling’. If we’d been caught on the very first table I would have had third degree burns within seconds off of lack of ‘sail’ coverage

Harleys

Its an American diner. Its really a bit passed its peak for me - there’s we rarely saw more than half a dozen people in there (I realise we’re going out of season). It’s nice enough - and despite my wanting to try to retain my youth - there really are better places to go. Oh and how we chortled that their music was off of 90’s - literally when I first went).

El Horno de Neptuno

This is actually the find of finds. You would not believe the price for the two person 5x tapas meal with bottle of wine thrown in. Twenty Five actual Euro’s. There’s plenty of amazing tapas to choose from - so nobody would be disappointed. We had to have potatas bravas (Darrens fave) and tortilla (my fave). But oh - em - gee. The shrimp frittata - it was TO DIE FOR. And this was the first time we tried the local Canarian coffee style beverage - Barraquito. Seriously look it up (if I can persuade my website to include links you may see it before your very eyes). It is GORGE. So much so I bought some Liquor 43 at the airport in Duty Free so I can recreate chez Baguley.

Also do not be put off that this restaurant is in quite a tired looking shopping centre. It really is a hidden gem. We went twice. And as it’s only v v small we booked for the second time we went. Well, as we walked up, it looked RAMMED (there are a couple of tables inside - with the majority on the outside). The waitress recognised us from our previous visit and said in a loud voice in front of the other diners ‘As you reserved and its cold and windy I’ve saved you a table inside’. It was then we realised all the outside punters were not only under heaters but shrouded in fleece blankets. Mwa ha haa.

Carlos

This is the restaurant we first visited last year. On Darren’s Aunty Pauline’s recommendation. A lovely place which I could literally see from our balcony. So not far to walk home after some rose (not Mateus). This was another venue we visited twice (booking is actually essential). And with a nice wide menu you’re not likely to go hungry. Second time I had grilled pears for starter! I know! Fancy!

So that’s the food special wrap up as it were.

Flight home was delayed by about 90 mins off of French Air Traffic Controllers strike. So that has put me in a bad mood. Also on the plane there were no cheese and ham toasties (I had to have the last bacon roll - which has been no nearer a pig than I have I suspect). Hence me busying myself with some blog content. On the plus side I am expecting to land to a GLEAMING car. I splashed out in Silver Zone Parking for a valet. So am literally expecting the car to have been moved to a field and it be pouring with rain.

Next weekend I’m off to Londinium and we’re plotting our summer holiday in the America. A Boston, Maine, New York combo. So that’ll be nice.

Well it’s about 90 mins until we land - so I am going to treat myself to 40 winks. And fully expect all of my tan to have faded before I am through the biometric scanners in Bristol. Until the next time dear reader...

Our week in Tenerife Feb 2020

El Horno de Neptuno

Jenga cheese and walnut tapas!

The Smart Bakery

Best coffee in Tenerife (scrambled eggs ain’t bad either!

Harleys

Its really not changed in 25 years!